Life is a Mirage
by raditzsex
Summary: PokemonCowboy Bebop crossover. Fun!


AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is Pokemon/Cowboy Bebop crossover. The episodic nature of both shows made me think this might be amusing. It's not finished yet.  
  
* * *   
  
"Well, Ash, sounds like you're doing quite well for yourself!" Professor Oak's voice crackled on the vidphone.  
  
"You bet! I'll have more Pokemon for you before you can -- " Ash replied, but before he could finish his sentence, the call was interrupted.  
  
The face of a young girl with rosy pink cheeks and a shock of red hair on her head filled the screen. Ash thought she looked a bit like a Pikachu.  
  
"Hello, people of Earth!" she said to him. She spoke like a 5 year old.  
  
"Hey, I was in the middle of a phone call!" he protested.  
  
"Yes, and Edward found you!" she replied.  
  
"Who's Edward? Put Professor Oak back on!"  
  
"Edward needs your help, Ash Ketchum!" She spoke as if she hadn't heard a word he said.  
  
"What, me? What do you want from me? I don't even know you!"  
  
The girl held up a photograph.  
  
"I'm looking for these bad people!" she said, and he saw that it was a photograph of Team Rocket, in their characteristic pose.  
  
Now Ash was really getting irritated. "I don't have time for Team Rocket!" he yelled.  
  
Misty had taken an interest in the conversation. She seemed very amused at his inability to extricate himself from the situation.  
  
"If you want to find Team Rocket, you should just follow Ash. They're always hot on his trail," she smiled.  
  
* * *  
  
On board the Bebop, Edward fell back from her computer, where she had been having the conversation with Ash. She glanced around. She had been so engrossed in her activities: hacking into the vidphone system, tracing the call, and trying to find the information she needed; that she hadn't noticed Faye and Spike leaving.   
  
She patted her dog, Ein, and went to find someone. After looking all over, including the bathroom and Ein's food dish, she finally found Jet tending to his bansai trees.  
  
She shoved the photograph in his face.  
  
"Jet wants to find these people," she told him.  
  
Jet, who had not noticed her come in, nearly jumped out of his skin. He recovered, sat back and sighed.  
  
"Yes, Ed, Jet wants to find those people," he replied. "Do you know where they are?"  
  
"Ed knows where they are going to be."  
  
* * *  
  
In a secluded spot in the forest, Jessie, James, and Meowth were lamenting their latest failure.  
  
"Our first really foolproof plan, and we still can't win!" Meowth complained.  
  
"It was all your fault, Meowth!" Jessie scolded, "If you hadn't told that burglar what we had, we would still have it!"  
  
"Me? James is the one that gave him all our stolen stuff!"  
  
"Hey, that guy was scary!" James whimpered.  
  
"Shh, I hear somethin," Meowth shushed them. They could hear voices coming toward them.  
  
They quickly ascended the nearest tree and pulled out their binoculars to get a better view.  
  
"Hey, it's the twerps!" Jessie said with excitement.  
  
"Right on schedule!" James exclaimed.  
  
"This time we have them for sure!" Jessie announced.  
  
Meowth gave each of them a claw to the face.  
  
"You didn't know they were coming this way! You just made that up!"  
  
* * *  
  
Ash, Brock, and Misty were on their way to the next town, so Ash could battle the gym leader for his next badge. Ash had nothing else on his mind, but Misty and Brock seemed preoccupied.  
  
"I swear, someone's following us," Misty remarked.  
  
"I feel it too," Brock agreed.  
  
"Aww, come on, you guys. It's just your imagination. There's nothing here but trees and Pokemon!" Ash said.  
  
As he said that, the trees in front of them began to shake.  
  
The trio's knees also began to shake, until they heard the familiar sound of The Motto.  
  
"Prepare for trouble!"  
  
"And make it double!"  
  
Jessie and James were dressed in forest ranger gear, complete with mustaches. For once, James was not wearing a dress.  
  
"To protect the world from devastation!"  
  
"To unite all peoples within our nation!"  
  
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"  
  
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"  
  
"Jessie!" she threw off her disguise and revealed her Team Rocket uniform.  
  
"James!" he did the same.  
  
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"  
  
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"  
  
"Meowth - that's right!" Meowth chimed in at the end.  
  
Ash sighed. "It's just Team Rocket."  
  
"You shouldn't sneak around in the forest like that!" Misty yelled, "You scared Togepi!"  
  
"We weren't sneaking around, we were standing right in front of you doing the motto!" James shot back.  
  
A twig snapped behind Brock. He whirled around to see what it was.  
  
There stood Ein. Behind him, also on all fours, was Ed. Ein wagged and smiled at Brock.  
  
Ash stared at Ein for a moment. "Hey, is that a Pokemon?" he asked as he flipped open his Pokedex.  
  
He was surprised by the response Dexter gave him.  
  
"No, stupid, that is a dog. A plain, ordinary, everyday dog."  
  
"Wow, Dexter's never called me stupid before," he complained.  
  
"Ein's not ordinary," Ed explained. She stayed on all fours and began to sniff around the group. She was particularly interested in Pikachu, but quickly remembered her mission and went back to inspecting the humans.  
  
"That's the girl who interrupted your phone call, Ash," Misty pointed out.   
  
But Ed had already found Team Rocket. She turned and nodded at Ein, who barked in response. Together, they circled Jessie and James on all fours and made menacing growling sounds.  
  
Meowth decided to jump in, and hissed at the "dogs".   
  
This proved to be a mistake, as Ein had not been entirely sure up to that point if Meowth was a cat or not. That was all it took, and Ein barked and took off after Meowth, who reacted like any cat would and shimmied up the nearest tree.  
  
James moved to help Meowth, but Ed stopped him by growling. Jessie tried the same thing, but was similarly detained.  
  
"What do you want, you little pipsqueak!" Jessie yelled.  
  
Ed jumped up and showed them the photograph of them. "Two million woolongs!" she exclaimed.  
  
"There's a bounty..." Jessie started.  
  
"... on us?" James finished.  
  
Ed grinned from ear to ear.  
  
Ash whispered to Brock, "What's a woolong?"  
  
Jessie and James wrapped their arms around each other and wept with joy.  
  
"We're so proud!" they cried.  
  
"I'm wouldn't celebrate, if I were you," a gruff voice came out of nowhere.  
  
It was Jet Black.  
  
"Hey, we finally made the Best of the Worst list!" Jessie snapped.  
  
James wanted to chime in, but all he could do was cower and whine "He's scarier than the last one!"  
  
"If you don't mind," Brock interrupted, "What did they do?"  
  
"What did they do?" shouted Ash, "They're always trying to steal Pikachu!"  
  
"Ash, I don't think your Pikachu is very important to the police," Misty rolled her eyes.  
  
"Plus they never actually get away with any of the crimes they commit," Brock added.  
  
"Hmm, that's true," Ash thought. "What did they do?"  
  
Jet looked at the three kids. He looked at the photograph from Big Shots, and back at Jessie and James. He was beginning to wonder if he had made a mistake.  
  
"James and Jessie, of Team Rocket, were caught by security cameras fleeing the scene of a double murder," he told them.  
  
Ash, Misty, and Brock nearly fell over laughing. There's no way that those two half-wit wannabes could have committed a crime that serious.  
  
Jessie and James both began to throttle Meowth.  
  
"I told you not to eat those burritos!" James yelled.  
  
"I... didn't... do...." Meowth attempted.  
  
"Everyone knows cat gas is lethal!" Jessie snapped.  
  
Jet put a hand over his face and sighed.  
  
"Jet isn't feeling well," Ed announced.  
  
"I'm feeling just fine!" he yelled, then turned back to Jessie and James. "Was anyone else with you during that museum robbery last night?"  
  
"What?" Jessie asked, "How did you know about -"  
  
"That guy that took our stolen merchandise!" Meowth exclaimed.  
  
"See? I told you he was scary!" James cowered again.  
  
"What'd he look like?" Jet asked.  
  
"We're not helping the police!" Jessie said, putting a hand over James' mouth.  
  
"Don't be stupid!" Misty yelled at her, "Don't you know you're about to be arrested for murder?"  
  
"I'm not the police. I'm just a bounty hunter. And if you get away, more will come searching for you. So let's just make this easy and go find the real killer right now so I can get on with my life and pretend I never met you!"  
  
Ed had been busy on her laptop. She handed it to Jet.  
  
"I got a lead on a private art auction, tonight at Mirage Island," Spike's voice came through the monitor. "Only problem is, the whole area's a no-fly zone."  
  
"A no-fly zone?"  
  
"That's right. Emergency vehicles only."  
  
"OK, Spike, I'll meet you there. Somehow."  
  
He sighed and turned to the others.  
  
"Anyone know where I can get transportation to Mirage Island?" he asked.  
  
Jessie and James smiled sweetly.  
  
* * *  
  
Spike exhaled and threw a cigarette into the sea. He had gotten transport on the only ferry to the island, and was scoping out the passenger list to see if he could get closer to the art thieves. He hardly noticed a woman slipping up next to him.  
  
"Got a light, cowboy?"  
  
He turned to see Faye Valentine. She was looking as coy as ever, which was a constant irritation to him. As was her constant need for his cigarettes or his lighter. He tossed her a pack of matches he had picked up in the bar earlier.  
  
"Ever consider buying your own?" he asked.  
  
She ignored him and lit her smoke.  
  
"So, you got the same lead I did," she observed.  
  
"Looks like it," he replied, "Seen anything interesting?"  
  
"See that old guy with the hot young thing next to him?" she pointed toward a young woman of about 25, wearing an expensive designer gown and dark sunglasses.  
  
"Sure. His granddaughter?"  
  
"His wife," she smiled.  
  
"Interesting."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"I saw her in a warm embrace with the fat guy in the hat earlier."  
  
"She doesn't have very good taste," Faye remarked, but Spike had already gone to introduce himself.  
  
"Hi, I don't believe I've had the pleasure," he said to the beautiful woman.  
  
She extended her hand. She spoke with a heavy Eastern European accent, which is a who-knows-what accent in this tale. "Charmed. My name is Catalina Dressing. This is my husband Caesar," she indicated the old man.  
  
"You're a very lucky man," Spike told him.  
  
"Hardly," Caesar grumped. Spike's surprised look encouraged an explanation. "She's expensive as hell, and has a boyfriend everywhere we go. See that vagabond over there?" he indicated the fat man with the hat, "Her latest diversion."  
  
She protested, "Darling! That's hardly fair!" and she stomped off, pouting.  
  
"What's the story on the fat man?" Spike asked when she had left.  
  
"He is nothing more than a common thief."  
  
"Not so common, from what I hear," Spike suggested, "Why don't you just tell her to quit seeing him?"  
  
Caesar sighed and looked at Spike with a bit of a sadness in his eyes, "She's very beautiful, isn't she."  
  
* * *  
  
Somewhere nearby, a large Gyarados-shaped watercraft was inching it's way toward Mirage Island. Inside, Jessie and James were pedaling moderately. Meowth was pedaling as if his life depended on it, and it did. Ed sat behind him with Ein, who was proving to be a very good motivator of the small cat pokemon.  
  
Jet was leaning against one side of the craft, trying very hard not to smoke. Ash, Misty, and Brock were crowded on the floor, hoping the thing was watertight.  
  
"I know we had to bring the cop and the pipsqueak, but why'd we have to bring the twerps!" James complained.  
  
"The only way to get to Mirage Island is to have a Mirage pokemon with you1!" Jessie snapped at him. "He's got one, and we don't!"  
  
"We'd have his if you two morons could do anything right!" Meowth yelled at both of them.  
  
Ein barked a response, and Meowth quickly forgot the discussion in favor of pedaling.  
  
"I sure hope it doesn't take much longer," Misty whispered.  
  
"No wonder they're always at each other's throats," Brock agreed.  
  
They were interrupted by Jessie.  
  
"I see it! It's Mirage Island!" she announced.  
  
They climbed out onto the beach and headed for the auction hall, which was actually just a modified warehouse. It had been built before the island was declared a wildlife sanctuary, and was now only used for secret events like this one.  
  
At the entrance to the building, they met up with Spike and Faye. Jet explained the situation to Spike.  
  
One look at the lovely Faye, and Brock nearly passed out. Kanto girls just weren't built like that.  
  
Misty kicked him. "I don't know what's so special about her," she commented loudly enough to be heard by Faye, "She's not even dressed!"  
  
This was a common misconception. Faye was, in fact, fully clothed. She had on her signature gold halter and shorts, complete with suspenders and boots to match.   
  
"At least I have something to flaunt," she retorted. "But I don't expect a child to understand the complexities of being a woman."  
  
"I am not a child! And I wouldn't want to understand complexities like yours!"  
  
"Oh, please. You're just a little girl. You'll dress the same way when you grow up."  
  
"Oh no I won't!"  
  
Jet had finished filling Spike in on the conversation, and Spike was now watching this miniature cat-fight with interest.  
  
Ash commented quietly, "They're wearing the same outfit."  
  
"And that's why I stay away from women," Spike replied as he walked into the building.  
  
Dozens of millionaires were in the gallery, meticulously examining every piece of artwork. Of particular interest was an original Monet and a Ming vase. There were also paintings depicting Pokemon in their natural surroundings.  
  
* * *  
  
When Ash and Pikachu tried to enter the gallery, they were stopped by a security guard.  
  
"Sorry, kid, no Pokemon allowed. You'll have to leave your Pikachu outside if you want to look at the exhibits."  
  
"If Pikachu can't go, then I'm not going! Who needs your stupid paintings anyway!" Ash yelled.  
  
He went to take his seat in the auction hall.  
  
"Don't worry, Ash, we'll sit out here with you," Misty comforted.   
  
"We're only here to keep Team Rocket from trying anything, anyway, what do I care about some stupid Pokemon paintings!" Ash grumped as he sat down.   
  
"Since these are stolen paintings, when they are recovered, we can go see them in the art museum," Brock suggested. "I'm sure they don't have a no-pokemon policy there."  
  
Ash brightened. "Yeah! That's right! The Pokemon Museum! Let's go right now!"  
  
He got up to leave, full of energy and optimism. Misty stopped him.  
  
"Sit down, Ash! We haven't stopped Team Rocket yet!" she reminded him.  
  
He smiled foolishly and did as he was told.  
  
Ed had also tried to get into the gallery. The guard was no more impressed with Ein than he was with Pikachu, so she went to join Ash and his friends.  
  
Now that she was on equal footing, she stared at Pikachu in the face. Pikachu stared back. It looked up at Ash and asked "Pikapi?"   
  
Ash smiled at Pikachu. "It's OK," he told it, "She's a friend."  
  
Pikachu went back to staring at Ed. Ed tilted her head to one side, and Pikachu did the same. She said "Pikapi?" just like Pikachu had said. Pikachu said "Pi!", and Ed said "Pi!"   
  
"She really does look like a Pikachu," Ash thought to himself.  
  
* * *  
  
Spike wandered around, pretending to look at random pieces. He stopped in front of the Monet.  
  
"It's one of his finest works," a man's voice behind him said.  
  
He glanced around to see the fat man in the hat. The man stuck his hand out and introduced himself.  
  
"Sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you," he said, "I'm Chive Scallion. Are you a collector?"  
  
"Actually, I'm a bounty hunter," Spike explained with his usual candor.  
  
Chive Scallion began to sweat a little.  
  
"I assure you, sir, all of our patrons are of outstanding moral fiber. I'm sure you won't find your bounty head here," he replied, trying to sound indignant. He turned and walked off in a huff.  
  
Spike smiled to himself and went to reacquaint himself with the beautiful Catalina.  
  
"I'm sorry about my husband's rude behavior earlier," she said to him, "Honestly, he is very sweet, and very good to me for the most part. He just gets so jealous sometimes."  
  
"Can't blame him for that," Spike responded, "You're a very beautiful woman. But actually, it was your boyfriend that was rude to me."  
  
Catalina frowned and glared at Spike. Her manner became immediately cold and distant. "I do not know what you are implying, Mr. Spiegel. I am happily married woman!" and she turned on her heels and stormed away.  
  
"You sure do have a way with the ladies," Faye remarked.  
  
* * *  
  
When everyone had been shuffled from the gallery to the auction hall, Chive Scallion walked to the podium.  
  
"Welcome, patrons of the arts. I hope you all had a chance to view these magnificent works of art. So, if everyone has taken their seats, we will bring in the first piece."  
  
The first painting was wheeled in, covered in a black veil. The porter was a very short man. As Ash looked closer, he noticed the short man had a ... tail?  
  
As the short, tailed man removed the veil, Jessie and James, dressed in 17th century ballgowns and powdered wigs, leapt out of the painting.  
  
"It's Team Rocket!" Brock cried.  
  
"They're going to steal the paintings again!" Ash added.  
  
They were summarily shushed by an older woman in front of them as Team Rocket began the motto.  
  
"Prepare for trouble!" Jessie said in an English accent.  
  
"And make it double!"  
  
As they continued the motto, Ash was being as polite as he could in stepping over the other people in the row, trying to get into the aisle so he could stop Team Rocket.  
  
"Jessie!" she announced as she revealed her Team Rocket uniform.  
  
"James!" he followed suit.  
  
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"  
  
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"  
  
Meowth removed his disguise.  
  
"Meowth, that's right!"  
  
Ash had finally reached the open aisle in the middle of the room.  
  
"Hold it right there, Team Rocket!"  
  
"Ahh, the twerp. It just wouldn't be a heist without him!" James commented.  
  
"I'm not gonna let you steal these paintings again!"  
  
James tossed a Pokeball into the air.  
  
"Weezing! Smokescreen attack!" he commanded.  
  
Weezing came out of it's pokeball and obeyed. The patrons ran for the exits, leaving Ash without much room to fight.  
  
With Weezing and Arbok ready to fight, Jessie, James, and Meowth began loading up the paintings into a swag bag.  
  
Misty and Brock finally caught up to Ash.  
  
"Come on!" Brock said, "We've got to get past that smokescreen and stop them!"  
  
"But I can't see!" protested Misty.  
  
Slowly, they made their way up to the podium. As the smoke cleared, they could see Team Rocket had all of the paintings and other works of art loaded into a cart to carry to their Gyarados submarine.  
  
"Sorry we have to go!" Jessie taunted.  
  
"It's been real," James attempted.  
  
But, as they turned to leave, with Ash and Pikachu close behind, they were stopped by the glint of a gun barrel.  
  
To everyone's surprise, Caesar Dressing stepped out of the darkness.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I can't let you leave with my things," he announced.  
  
Jessie and James grabbed each other, as they always did when they were frightened.  
  
"OK you can have them just please don't shoot!" Jessie pleaded.  
  
James suddenly realized something.  
  
"That voice," he began.  
  
Then, gaining confidence, he stopped cowering. "You're the burglar who stole these from us at the museum! You fooled us into thinking you were able to fight!"  
  
Jessie's confidence had also been restored by the indignation.  
  
"How dare you pretend to be scary! You're nothing but a frail old man!" she yelled.  
  
"Yes, you are right," he agreed. He smiled amicably and continued, "However, I am a frail old man with a pistol in my hand. And you two have gotten on my nerves for the last time!"  
  
Jessie and James went back to terrified mode. The old man raised the gun to aim.  
  
"James," Jessie said, in what she thought would certainly be her last moment alive, "I've always loved you!"  
  
"I've always thought of you more as a sister!" James replied hastily as he closed his eyes and prepared for oblivion.  
  
"I've never liked either one of you!" Meowth commented from the other side of the podium.  
  
As Caesar moved to shoot them, a foot came out of nowhere, knocking the gun to the floor. A few swift fists, and the old man was down.  
  
Team Rocket turned their attention back to Ash and Pikachu.  
  
"You little runt! You always ruin our plans!" Jessie scolded.  
  
"I thought it was the old man with the gun who ruined our plans," James remarked.  
  
"Shut up and prepare for trouble!" Jessie yelled at him.  
  
"I'll take you on any time you want!" Ash said.  
  
He turned his hat backwards as Pikachu stepped up to battle. 


End file.
